Preface

A journal entry, four years in to my eight-year marriage:

I’m feeling annoyed again by my husband’s request that I turn off the kitchen light in order to save energy when my own energy is nearly spent. Doesn’t he understand I’ve been up half the night with the baby and that the dog just peed on the carpet again and that everyone is grouchy this hour before dinner time? The passion of being irked is powerful. It seems to happen frequently between us.

Today is so filled , there isn’t room for a sigh. It looks a lot like yesterday--so full of things–that–have–to get done. I’m glad it is bitter cold outside. The house inside feels warm in contrast. I love being a mom, but I also miss the easy freedom of working and being on my own.

Marriage doesn’t feel as I thought it was going to--instead of the days being filled with joy, they are instead filled with one “gotta-do” after another. Dan is always busy with his work and many little things I do just seem to annoy him.

Energy flows back as I look into the face of my 2 year old son––his beauty enchants me. His softness increases my appetite for holding and being held. I love playing with him and teaching him and being his mommy.

But I’m trapped in this house. If I were still single, I’d slip on some black shinny riding boots and saddle up that golden horse I see through our dinning room window. The palomino sniffs something in the wind and gallops up the hill. If only I could share my passion for this beautiful horse with a daughter! I would so love to have a second child, a girl. Dan and I haven’t been able to talk much about this--he doesn’t really think we should have another baby. Nevertheless, I dream of her blond hair catching the sunlight as she beams with happiness and reaches down to caress the neck of her quarter horse, her golden pony. She gallops off across the crunchy snow-frosted grass of a mountain field, filled with the thrill of danger and freedom and her heart soars, as does mine. Slowly, the dream fades. It seems one child is enough strain in this marriage.

I look down again at the little boy asleep in my arms, and remember that I need to focus on what I have and not dwell on what I don’t have. Dan and I want to give our child all the best that we can. I am in love with Dan, but he can be so distant and I’m never quite measuring up. What I do know is that we both adore this little boy and maybe this shared love will carry our marriage forward. We may even have another child. So surely, everything will work out OK.

One year later

I had been married almost 5 years when I walked into the master bedroom with Skyler, who was three years old at that time. I discovered a hand-scribbled note:

I don't feel any love for her

I don't respect her

I find her slow

I find her stupid

I find her dull

I find her sloppy, argumentative and clumsy

I find myself in a constant state of depression

Complications: Skyler, New baby

Options –

Stay till baby's born + 1 year to help out

Leave now

Live nearby and pay for help

Dan keeps house – Buy Kathleen a house 90K

Kathleen keeps house – Dan buys new house

Get my 50% share of time with Skyler

* He stays with me every other week

* He stays with me permanently

The note I held in my hand that day seemed so cruel, but in succeeding years it turned out to be a powerful catalyst.. It inspired me to prove to Dan, myself and the world that I was lovable, smart and capable. It helped me see the double-sided nature of many characteristics—“sloppy” goes along with “relaxed”, “fun” and “artistic” --positive qualities of myself and my younger son. “Argumentative” goes along with “logical thinker”, “intellectual” and “assertive” --positive qualities of myself and my older son. The note gave me hope that even though my husband no longer loved or wanted me, that he did love and want to care for our son and the new one that was on the way.

The next three years of our marriage were sometimes wonderful, sometimes terrible, and many times lonely. We tried a little marriage counseling and some self-help books. Unfortunately, none of that salvaged our marriage, and we strove to find a new path for our own lives and the lives of our children.

About this book

The “extended family” --myself, my ex, the two boys, and our lovers-- have all agreed to share with you some pieces of the divorce process that ultimately protected the children and helped them thrive in their new households. Additionally, we provide real quotes from the kids when they were young and now that they are older. We include some of the actual documents such as the separation agreement and a transcript of the divorce hearing so you will have real life examples of the process from beginning to end. We hope this will give you a toolbox of actions you as a divorcing parent can take to protect your own child.

Ten years later, our boys are teenagers, and we continue to work together to parent them, albeit in separate households. We still ask ourselves with every parenting decision if we are doing what is right and the best decision for them and what is fair to the other parent. It’s easier now, but it wasn’t always that way...

Chapter One

The first three months

How do you tell a 3 year old and a 6 year old that the life they have known is about to change forever, and that their parents are now going to live in separate households? This is the first step of many to be taken that will to help protect our most precious asset, our children, in a divorce situation. Luckily, the value of protecting these little boys as best as possible became paramount for both Dan and I, as it does for many parents. It is the moment divorcing parents take that first deliberate break from the anger, the blame, the hurt,and the other embattled emotions to consider who else might be affected in this decision.

Today I remember that first talk with the boys as one would recall a slow-motion dream where horrible things are happening but there is no emotion, only numbness. We explained as best we could that mom and dad had decided it was best if we didn’t live together any more. We had no idea how they might respond.

They responded with their own natural intuition and honesty, and since then we’ve each learned to listen closely to that.

At the end of our talk, Skyler asked, “Do you still love each other?” We automatically responded, “Well, of course.” It was then that Skyler angrily stood up from the couch and pronounced, “You don’t love each other, you hate each other!” Stunned, Dan and I looked at one another and realized that they would call it as they saw it, and that maybe we had something to learn from their insight.

Our three-year old, Forrest, also drew a quick conclusion. He said, “I think Daddy wants to have his own house ‘cause you guys can’t share”. Wow, he was right. At the very essense of it all, and on many levels, I realized a three year old had summed it up well.. Our two sons would continue to be windows for our own self-understanding.

Our next step was to explore what resources were available to kids in a divorce situation. We told the schools and found out that the counselors were understanding and knowledgeable. They appreciated being informed. (add references)

We discovered that there were not only support groups for adults, but also for kids who were experiencing divorce. Our boys did not attend these, but I have since known other parents who had older kids in groups such as these and felt it helped. There were books available too (and many more now. Dan had already started reading “Helping Your Child Succeed After Divborce” by Florence Bienenfield. (add references)

One of the very best choices Dan and I made soon after deciding on separation was to hire a mediator to work out the details of how we would share the children and take care of their needs. We met with the mediator, Wendy, for ten sessions BEFORE going in to money issues. In retrospect, this this was extremely valuable. Splitting up the household goods and finances can become very emotional and it can become easy to lose the perspective of keeping the kids in a safe place apart from that.

We opted for ten-session mediation package with a woman mediator-attorney named Wendy. Her package charge was slightly lower than the average local attorney rates. Wendy helped us hammer out the details of how we would manage the children, both in the immediate and the distant future. She said working out the financial things should be the second priority, and she was right. Wendy helped us find common ground on how to share the children’s physical custody, how to handle holidays, and how to handle the financial needs of the boys.

Below is the child joint physical custody agreement Dan and I worked out. Every situation is unique, but this is what worked for us when trying to find a way to share two little boys.

WE AGREE TO SHARED PHYSICAL CUSTODY. By this, we mean that the boys will spend more than 25% of the overnights per calendar year with each of us. We expect to maintain a 50/50% shared custody arrangement beginning in October, (year). We will ease the children into this arrangement by testing various plans for overnights until we are certain both boys are comfortable and at ease. We will then follow the plan we agree on until we can see that changes need to be made. The kind of change we can anticipate include: longer periods with each parent perhaps making a different plan for school nights and non-school nights, being able to “trade” nights if that better suits one or both children.

We commit to living close enough to each other to make easy access by the children with both of us possible. However, we are mindful that we must not violate the other parent’s privacy---especially as the separation becomes more distant in time.

We both are, and probably will be, self-employed. We therefore are able to be very flexible in terms of a mid-week time available for the children. We both most travel, and commit that the children will be with the other parent whenever the other parent is out of town.

We have worked out an initial schedule with the boys, which essentially alternates in two-night blocks of time, with one two-night block in which the boys each spend a night alone with each of us.

Holidays:

We will try to share their birthdays and Holloween. If we can’t make that happen, we will try to alternate the day itself and the surrounding parties or events.

We will let most of the other holidays fall where they fall, then adjust if one of us seems to be getting most of them in any given year. We will try to work well enough in advance that we aren’t left “holding the bag” (or the Thanksgiving dinner) alone.

Christmas vacation can be shared half and half, so that we can travel to family for part of it. If we alternate first and last half each year, then we can make special arrangements for the parent who does not have Christmas day in their half that year (do Christmas Eve if they are in town, for example).

Vacations

Each of us to several weeks with them during their summer vacation. Probably not more than a week at a time at first until they are older and can tolerate longer separations from the other parent.

We each need at least a week of vacation alone, without children.

We each expect to perform any parenting functions on our days with the children, including appointments, their activities and being home to care for them if they are sick. Whosoever day it is provides all the transportation.

We will pay out of pocket for their basic expenses (shelter, food, clothing, ordinary transporatation and non-doctor vitamins and medical care) in proportion to our time with them (50-50%). The Basic Support Schedule of the Child Support Guideline, as used on Worksheet B, will compensate Kathleen based on our relative earnings. We will compare budgets from time to time to see that we are, in fact, spending equally for these basic needs.

We will decide which expenses for our children are not included in the Basic Support from the Schedule, including but not limited to the extraordinary expenses listed on Worksheet B. We will share all expenses beyond those we define as Basic, in proportion to our relative incomes---as adjusted through Maintenance if we choose.

We will meet or talk on the phone at lunch every Wednesday to discuss the children and make sure our parenting plan continues to be in their best interest.

We will each file as Head of Household, Kathleen listing Forrest as “her” child for this purpose and Dan listing Skyler as “his” child. Only that parent may claim any child care credit for that child.

We will allocate the Dependency Exemptions (note: One bonus was that we could each declare one child as a dependent, thus each of us gaining the preferred “Head of Household” tax status.

Our mediator, Wendy, also gave the following suggestions to help the boys adjust to their new 2-home situation:

1) Make sure the kids have with them, both addresses and phone numbers and photos of the houses.

2) Have a calendar with pictures nearby, so they known when they are at one huose and when they will be at the other.

3) Make sure they feel that it is OK that they are with the other parent.

4. Allow them to have pictures of what they are doing at each other’s house.

5. Find a personal item in each house that is personal to the other. Smell is as important as touch. (for example, a sweashirt).

6. Realize that each parent will have different parenting styles no matter how much you try to coordinate. While some coordination is preferable, don’t try to control the other parent’s parenting style or house rules.

We soon learned that financial conversations do not work at all when changing the kids over between households: What does work is to write journals, make out spreadsheets and pose financial questions in writing. We sent emails, and each discovered that sometimes a second or even third re-writing of email was necessary to get the emotional stuff out of the way of the financial stuff.

Writing helped me deal with the tangled emotions of divorce and to express the occasional moments of levity:

“Home Alone Mom”

Sweeping this floor, what a bore!

Even the crumbs have more fun

Tumbling across the cracked linoleum

to the dustpan finish line.

A harried and hurried green pea wins

and then stares up at me and grins.

I’ll dump you out you worthless sprout!

What joy is housework anyway

When everyone else is out to play?

A woman does thirty-two hours a week on average

While men do eight, now isn’t that savage?

A noise at the door, and they’re in, what a din!

Little boys’ kisses and hugs and demands

filling my heart and filling my hands

The kitchen is clean and my husband is smiling...

Only he wants divorce-- yet I’m the one filing!

I draw my kids in and make new plans

For my dream is gone and so is my man’s

Working and giving and loving and care

Isn’t enough and I’m filled with despair

Yet women are strong and I know I’ll survive

And never before have I felt more alive!

Writing helps you constantly circle back to what is true and honest at that particular moment, thus helping you map the open road ahead.

Being the one to move out first has some disadvantages if there is a child custody dispute. However, physical separation is usually needed shortly after or before filing for divorce. In our case, Dan agreed to move to a rental a few miles away. We soon discovered that we didn’t have all the tools necessary to understand our financial rights as individuals in the separation, and so each hired our own attorneys. This relieved us of the struggle to deal directly with one another over the financial issues, and allowed us to settle back and evaluate the relationship from the perspective of our separate households. We were able to reaffirm our commitment to the welfare of the boys. Below is a letter that Dan wrote that I think expresses the way many men feel who try to look honestly at their own part of the divorce decision:

Dear Kathleen,

I know you are feeling hurt and angry and probably lots of other things right now. I want you to know that I am very sorry. This is tearing me up inside as well.

I suspect you probably despise me now but I want you to know that I didn’t want our marriage to reach this point any more than you did. We have tried to fix it in our own ways. I am sorry that I was not strong enough or wise enough to make you understand how unhappy I was earlier. I’m sorry that I’ve lost my feelings of love for you and can’t seem to get them back. I’ve tried over the years, but to no avail.

I truly want what is best for everyone in the long run. In the long run, I think you’ll be much happier with someone who can give you the love you deserve.

I want to make this as easy on Skyler and Forrest as possible so they grow up to be happy and able to love and grow in relationships. I know you love them dearly and want the best for them. I know you are worried that this will hurt them as it hurts you. However, I think they will do well if we handle it well. If we deal with this as a catastrophe and fight each other, they wil be hurt. If we deal with it as maturely and sensitively and cooperatively as possible, they willl see that parents can separate, still remain freinds (or at least cordial). They will see that they have an important part in both of our lives that’s not threatened when they’re with th4e other one. They won’t have to take sides.

You are a wonderful mother and the children love you. I’m proud of how well you’ve grown as a mother. I don’t want this to threaten your relationship with the children or, for that matter, to threaten my relationship with them either.

I want you to know that I’m absolutely committed to handling this trial separation well. If it endis in divorce, I’m committed to make that go as well as possible too.

My sincere hope is for peace and healing between us.

With respect and great hope,

Dan

Chapter 2 Paperwork that Protects Assets, and thus the children and each adult

A lawyer-friend explained to me how important it is to get the legal paperwork going once you know a separation is going to happen soon. Until you have something legally filed, your assets are not protected. One spouse or the other may start hoarding or hiding or moving around assets. It seems an incredible thing to do to the person you have pledged your love to, but basic survival instincts set in, and it can happen. It happened to us. I looked at our checking account & started being suspicious of every withdrawal Dan was making. Eight years of trust turned to distrust. I started buying and hoarding food vouchers. Some people set up Swiss bank accounts, or blow all of the mutual savings on a sporty new car, or start diverting monies into the bank account of the new lover. There is legal protection to keep this from happening. In Colorado, our “Summons and Pettion” said,

BY ORDER OF THE COURT, YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE ARE:

a) Restrained from transferring, encumbering, concealing, or in any way disposing, without the consent f the other party or an Order of the Court, of any material property, except in the usual course of business or for the necessities of life, required to notify the other party of any proposed extraordinary expenditures, and to account to the Court for all extraordinary expenditures made after the injunction is in effect;

b) enjoined from molesting or disturbing the peace of the other party; and

c) restrained from removing the minor child or children of the parties, if any, from the state without the consent of the other party or an Order of the Court.”

Filing for divorce was an act of survival. There was nothing to keep my husband from squandering or hiding assets while I sat around in shock, wondering what would happen next. I had to give up the illusion that we were still looking out for one another. Dan had decided to leave, and the partnership was broken. The old areas of trust were no longer to be taken for granted. Dan signed the “Waiver and Acceptance of Service” form, that stated, “I declare under oath that I am the Respondent in this case. I have received and accepted service of the Summons and Petition...I reserve the right to receive notice of settings and the right to respond and appear in person if I wish.” The first official step towards divorce was complete.

After this comes “Temporary Orders”, but they take thousands of dollars to put together, so I decided to see what I could work out with Dan before incurring that kind of expense.

As we began working on the financial issues, it becomes extremely tempting to hurt the other person through the dividsion of property, but this can cause deep-lasting resentments and ultimately that resentment will damage the post-divorce relationship with the kids. You must ask yourself if insisting on keeping his favorite recliner is based on your own need for revenge.

Dan and I started working on the separation agreement by first identifying some basics about what we each felt we needed at a minimum. Below is an example of our correspondence that may spark ideas of what you need in your own divorce.

Dan wrote:

1. To move out in a way that is fair to Kathleen

2. To Own My own house

3. To have a working Car

4. To have joint custody and quality and quantity (approximately 50%) parenting time with the boys.

5. To pay a fair share of child support and maintenance

6. To have the boys' home with Kathleen be as close to me as possible. To have some control over Kathleen's ability to move with the children.

7. To have a fair share of our monetary resources

8. To not be painted as the bad guy

9. Possible computer needs?

I wrote:

1. To have some security that if we continue towards divorce, that I will be fairly treated.

2. To own our family home with minimal mortgage

3. To have a working newer or new car

4. To have a computer capable of supporting my job

5. To have adequate child support

6. To have maintenance until my income is sufficient to no longer require it.

7. To have joint custody and quality and quantity (approximately 50%) parenting time with the boys.

8. To have this house as the legal residence for the kids. I think this is called physical custody. To keep the boys as close to Dan as possible, but have the freedom to move them with me should there be extenuating circumstances such as my remarriage to a man who cannot live in this town because of his job.

I told Dan he could take just about any piece of household furniture he really wanted. This way I would be getting rid of a lot furniture I did not like all that much anyway, with several pieces attached with the bad memories of hurtful arguments. Dan made up a sheet of all household items and I coded it with our initials to indicate preferences. I had a moment of pure joy. Good riddance to the white couch and the ugly big recliner! Bon voyage to that uncomfortable sloshy water bed! Happy goodbyes to the pine coffee table with ink marks--may it rest in peace in another house!

Chapter 3: Hiring an attorney:

It seems there are so many divorced people these days, that many of your friends can offer you the suggestion of an attorney. However, don’t ask your friends who are attorneys to give you free advice. Since law is their profession, they should get paid for it, and you may put them in an uncomfortable position if they are mutual friends.

Friends can also be a source of what kind of attorney not to pick. I had a close girl friend who had just won a significant settlement in her divorce. Her financial picture was much like mine, and the child involved was a step child of the father, and they had only been married about 5 years. I was stunned when she told me she was awarded full monthly maintenance and a huge portion of her ex’s business. Her payments would even continue past when the child turned 18. She said, “I think you should use him--He’s what I’d call a ‘killer attorney’ - he was awesome”. However their 16 year old daughter no longer had any relationship with the father. He was so angry about the divorce and feeling that his former wife would go for any opportunity to torture him that he gave up any kind of custody and stayed away from the whole situation. The daughter completely lost any kind of relationship with her dad. In this case vindictiveness had prevailed, and at a cost that was ultimately very high for the child.

When Dan and I each decided to hire our own attorneys, we soon learned that there are alternatives to “killer attorneys” who will go to any lengths to win for their client,. There are just plain competent ones who understand that a long term relationship with children is involved. (add resources) We each chose attorneys in the later category, and both look back on those decisions as the right ones.

I decided to pick out 3 attorneys to interview. I learned that many of them will give you the first 30-60 minutes free and you can learn a lot from each session.

I sought a lawyer who was experienced, competent and had a complete picture of how I would be co-parenting my children with this ex-spouse for the next 15 years.

My attorney, Bob, did a great job of telling me what I could fairly and reasonably expect from a judge who was looking objectively at the situation. He also helped me appreciate the value I had as an individual within the marriage. Dan was getting a new car, so the attorney said it was fully reasonable that I should get a new car out of the joint savings as well. I had never even considered getting a new car, but he pointed out that now that I would be on my own with no one to rescue me when my old car broke down, that it was reasonable to invest in that. I would have kids in the car, and no one at home to call if the car broke down.

The purchase of my new car was one of the most exhilarating launches into singleness I could imagine. I decided to get a good safe mid-sized one that would last at least until my son needed to drive, in about 10 years. Today, Skyler is 16 and using that car, just as I had visualized.

Some financial battles are so complex that your attorney must be by your side all the way to the courthouse. Many people successfully use attorneys for the entire process, and I commend their success. . Sometimes good lawyers can pull the financial compromises together in a way that the divorcing individuals cannot.

However, we saw a major flaw with the continued use of attorneys in our situation. After 2 months of my attorney negotiating with Dan’s attorney, and depleting the joint cash reserves by about $10,000, Dan and I both saw that we were much further apart on a settlement on the “stuff” and the company value and the other financial matters than we had been two months before. We noted that since attorneys are paid by the hour, there is really no incentive for them to find compromise or a quick settlement. Their job is to out for the most for their client. It is their fiduciary duty. However, I could see that this process would soon dissolve the savings we had built up over the years. I decided to terminate the agreement with my lawyer if Dan would agree to do that as well.

Dan was experiencing much the same thing and agreed to do the same. He had already begun checking out books from the library on how to do your own divorce. (Add references) We had learned enough about our rights and the most we could get. Now it was time to get down to moving towards some agreements.

I think our two months of discussions with our lawyers was a good education and I felt Bob was my ally at a time when I very much needed someone to stand up for me. However, we did not have to give up entirely on legal expertise.

I learned that there are alternatives to having an attorney “represent” you. There is what I call the “One hour paid consultation”.A lot of the cost of the divorce was in the “discovery phase”, or what is really the attorney getting verifiable evidence of our assets. Dan and I had filed the legal papers to freeze our assets at an early enough stage that we each trusted that what we thought was there was there. Our attorneys helped up put the assets on balance sheets. If you can get to that point, you have avoided a lot of the cost of the legal work. It is then the matter of finalizing the details.

A great way to see if your financial calculations are on track is to do what I call the “One Hour Attorney” consultation. Get a list of recommended attorneys in the area of expertise where you are lacking. For me, this occurred in two areas: child support and determining the value of our jointly owned business. I asked around and found the name of a highly respected child custody attorney. I then called her up and said, “I’m not asking you to represent me. However, I have some financial numbers related to my divorce finances. If you were to assume these are accurate, would you be willing to give me an hour of your time to take a look at them and see if I have done the state formula correctly? Also, if I give you a brief overview of our financial situation, can you help me determine if the monthly child support amount I’ve come up with is in the right ballpark? The attorney agreed and I had the most fruitful hour of consultation I had ever had with an attorney. I came away knowing how an impartial judge would see the situation.

Finding this to be so successful, I then decided to find the best attorney, who also held a CPA financial degree, and had experience in royalties and “intellectual property”. I discovered there were only two in all of Denver. I prefaced the call with the same approach I had used with the child custody attorney: “Assuming that you are not representing me or needing to do discovery on the numbers I present, would you be willing to look over the three valuations I have of the buisess as an asset in our marriage, and make sure I did it correctly? They each use different assumptions, so if I give you a brief synopsis of our financial picture, could you pick out the one you would chose if you were to go to court with me?” This attorney also readily agreed, and actually ended up picking the valuation scenario that I also thought was the best. At the end of the session, I asked the attorney if he would consider signing the analysis as a valid one. He agreed to do that for another $75 should I ever need that. As it turns out, I did not have to spend the $75.

Dan and I spent about 3 months on the mediation and attorney phase and together spent about $11,000. Hammering out the emotional and financial details on our own took us about another 5 months and about $300.

Eight months is considered a relatively fast track for getting thru the details of a divorce. The emotional issues were harder than either of us anticipated. I believe both of us wrote almost every day of that eight months, sometimes to each other and sometimes as a journal. This helped us move forward.

Chapter 4 “Novel Therapy”

I recommend what I’ll call “Novel Therapy” , reading novels with characters dealing with divorce. These fictitious folks were able to share a depth of feelings and insight that went beyond chats with girlfriends or family. The sooner you can deal with your own conflicted emotions, the sooner you will become emotionally more available to your children.

I went to the library and searched under “divorce” for the content of novels. Some of the novels had passages that were read were very consoling. It was nice to know that some things are so universal. Below are a few paragraphs from ones that spoke particularly to me:

Another Country by James Baldwin

p. 339

"Yves...will also dream of escape. I must be prepared to let him go. He will go. And I think"––he looked up at Vivaldo––"that he must go, probably, in order to become a man."

"You mean," said Vivaldo, "in order to become himself"

"Yes," said Eric. And silence came again.

"All I can do," said Eric, at last, "is love him. But this means––doesn't it?––that I can't make any promise greater than this promise I've made already––not now, not now, and maybe I'll never make any greater promise. I can't be safe and sorry, too. I can't act as though I'm free when I know I'm not. I've got to live with that. There were tears in his eyes. He walked to the kitchen door and stared at Vivaldo. Then he turned away. "You're right. You're right. There's nothing here to decide. There's everything to accept."

My favorite author, Peter Cameron, had words that fit perfectly with my year of letting go:

“She closed her eyes. She thought about her life and how things happened in it, how you couldn’t stop things from happening or control them. It was as if you and all the things that could possibly happen in your life were floating in a pool the size of an ocean and you only touched some of them, and it was all accidental, and the things you wanted were as slim and slippery as fish. Fish swam between your fingers and legs and brushed against your sides; silver-sided fish nibbled at your toes; shy skittish fish flitted to the surface and then flipped away, no matter how still you were, no matter how quiet you were, for they could sense your desire; It pulsed from you like sonar--come to me, come to me, come to me--driving the swarms of swimming things far away.”

Page 181, “The Winter Bazaar”, a short story written by Peter Cameron in his collection of short stories, Farflung

Then there are the non-literary country lyics that suddenly take on all new meaning when you are trying to work through pain. You will hear country song lyrics like you never heard them before. Write them yourself and you have a whole new kind of no-cost therapy!

"You ripped off my heart,

then took it to the local swap meet,

and there I was left,

all full of hot lovin' heat!"

"This mama's sweet time with her kids

is stolen––half gone

You're using me baby

Just like a pawn"

"My children keep crying'

cause they want just one house

they hate all the movin',

don't you see that, you (grouse??)

It is so important to have laughter, even in the bitterest of times! Then I went back to my novels, to try and understand where I might land.

(from Jame’s Balwin’s Another Country:)

p. 362

“Richard had been her protection, not only against the evil in the world, but also against the wilderness of herself. And now she would never be protected again. She tried to feel jubilant about this. But she did not feel jubilant. She felt frightened and bewildered...Terrifying, that the loss of intimacy with one person results in the freezing over of the world, and the loss of oneself! And terrifying that the terms of love are so rigorous, its checks and liberties so tightly bound together.”

p. 357

"What," asked Cass, unexpectedly, "does one replace a dream with? I wish I knew"...

"I suppose," said Ida, in an extraordinary voice, "that one replaces a dream with reality".

Chapter 5: Replacing the Dream with Reality

For many divorced people, coming to terms with reality entails hashing over the past, looking for clues to the present reality. I had to see the wedding video one more time, and to ask myself why the wedding vows seemed to have failed

Dan--

With this ring I do thee wed

I promise to be your lifelong partner and closest ally

I will affirm every day that you can trust me

by being faithful and honest

I am committed to your well being and happiness

When times are difficult, I will offer you comfort and support

I promise to communicate my feelings and listen to yours

and provide you with new and interesting things to think about.

I will share with you the joys of sparkling nature, warm friends, great meals, and the many other things we will discover together.

I will cherish you and nurture you

Together we will build a house of many dimensions. I promise to love you always.

The last line, the most important of them all suddenly stood out as still a reality I could hold on to. Together we would build a house that included the dimensions of other lovers and step children. The way to make that structure strong was to take to heart the promise of loving Dan in a deeper, non-romantic way that included accepting his new lifestyle and his new relationships with other women. The commitment to hold love as the highest value helped transcend many difficult moments.

I also saw that Dan’s vows to me could still be a reality. He said that love was everlasting, and that I was his confidant with whom you would give enduring respect. He promised to see me as who I truly was and wanted to be. We were no longer living together, but our vows extended forward into time, to provide support and guidance for the many years of co-parenting that lay ahead of us.

As time went on, we both learned to be more consciously respect the other. I had finally learned that a good way for me to start off every letter to Dan was with a “Thank you for....” A letter in the 6th month of our divorce read,

Dear Dan:

Thank you for your letter outlining how things are going with the boys. I think too that they are adjusting fairly well because of our commitment to them, and perhaps also because we both have read “The Ten Greatest Gifts I Give my Children” by Vannoy! Personally, I also think the weekly schedule, drastically cutting down transition times, has helped substantially. Thank you also for honoring my request that we hold off discussing any change of schedule until the end of the month...

We tried to protect the boys as best we could, but certainly their own pain nevertheless was unavoidable. The following is a note from my journal,

Skyler hugs his stuffed parrot Dan had sent him from Mexico, while on vacation with his new girlfriend. It is my couple of days to have him before I have to turn him over to Dan. Skyler starts to sob uncontrollably over a small tear on the wing of the bird. “His wing is broken, mommy it’s broken! Now he’ll never be able to fly!!” His sadness and his fury rushes outward, and his little fists pound against me.” Of course there was only one thing to do--we sewed together the bird’s wing and talked about flying. Skyler also found ways of comforting me.

At age 6, Skyler was in that wonderful stage when little boys fall in love with their mothers. He was determined to marry me when he got just a little older. He made special little efforts to please me, like surprising me with a clean room or “I love you” notes from school. We had scheduled Friday and Saturdays as “single boy days” so each weekend I would look forward to special alone time with one of the boys. I felt so lucky to have been given three opportunities to be deeply in love--once with my husband, that had an ending, and twice with two beautiful boys, that had no possible ending.

I must admit, that it has never been easy to reach the end of my week with the boys and have to hand them over to their father. It seemed unfair that I should have to deal with so many painful goodbyes. Yet one day I realized that for every tearful goodbye there were joyful and wonderful hellos the next week, when they and all their stuff would again make a reappearance in my house. I found that compassion and a broader perspective can always melt bitterness.

There were bouts of real depression of course, and the kid’s comments were not always cheerful and uplifting. It is tough not to obsess about the spouse’s new lover. The kids can even say really mean things, but they still are poinent in their honesty. Skyler said during one of my mopey moments, “Get a life, Mom! Daddy says he doesn’t even really like her that much. He says he’ll find another mom for me who really loves kids!” Ouch. But ok, Skyler is right that I needed to think about my own life instead of Dan’s.

Some days I would slip up and vent my petty insecurities and use the kids unfairly to deal with them. One day, the following conversation occurred between me and my 3-year old. boy:

“Now who really gives the best back scratches, mommy or daddy?”

There was a quiet moment of puzzled frowning.

Forrest responded, “Mommy, no Daddy! Divorced!”

“What does ‘divorced’ mean?”

“You’re stupid!”

“What else?”

“You don’t like yourself!”

“And...?”

“You’re pinching yourself! Let’s go, mom.”

He was right. No need to pinch myself any longer. It was time to head out the door for the final hearing. Below is a transcript of that hearing. Even though everyones experience will be different, perhaps it will be helpful to you to see exactly what this one looked like:

Chapter 6: Going to Court

“The Court” was a petite brunette woman judge. I was the petitioner and Dan was the respondent.

THE COURT: The next case to come before the Court is case number (case number omitted), In re the Marriage of Kathleen A. Horme, petitioner and Dan D. Horme, respondent. Ms. Horme, if you'll have a seat at this table. Sir, if you'll have a seat at this table. For the record, you are Kathleen Horme?

THE PETITIONER: Yes.

THE COURT: And you are Dan Horme?

THE RESPONDENT: Yes.

THE COURT: Okay. I have reviewed your separation agreement, and there are a couple of things that I cannot accept in the agreement, both have to do with child support. The first thing, let me find the exact page here, and it appears on Page 9 of your agreement. With regard to the child support amount, you indicate that it will be paid for no more than 24 months after which you will renegotiate annually. It is permissible to renegotiate it annually, but you need to have an ongoing order of support, so you can't just terminate it at 24 months. So that would need to be deleted and you need to reword it somehow that you are going to renegotiate, and if there's a change, according to the guidelines, submit that change to the court...child support has got to be continued.

THE PETITIONER: I think that's what we meant. So if there's a way we can just adjust that--

THE COURT: Okay.

The Respondent: Would you have a suggestion for the wording, Your Honor?

THE COURT: Actually, why don’t we just--we could strike out the words,”this amount shall be paid for no more than 24 months, and add to that -- say “after 24 months the parties agree to renegotiate child support annually and submit any changed amounts to the court”.... Based on --yeah, on gross salaries.And then I think you need to add that, at the end of that sentence, and “submit any changes for court approval”.

THE RESPONDENT: Okay

THE COURT: And then the other thing, the next sentence where you say you’re going to suspend annual renegotiation. That’s fine, but you cannot suspend child support. Child support is not a parent's right. It's a children's right. So “suspending child support” needs to be deleted as well.

THE RESPONDENT: Okay.

THE COURT: And you're going to do a wage assignment, that's fine. Then the other thing is, the age of majority in (this state) is 19, not 18.

THE RESPONDENT: Oh, is it?

THE COURT: So Paragraph B needs to say 19.

THE RESPONDENT: I didn't know that.

THE COURT: Yeah. It was 21, and then they made it 19. And they were trying to get it to 18 this year and the legislature said, no, it's 19....

THE COURT: Are those changes acceptable to both of you?

THE PETITIONER: Uh–huh.

THE RESPONDENT: Uh–huh.

THE COURT: Okay. Then I need to have both of you raise –– oh, and then the 19 (age of majority) in Paragraph B.

THE PETITIONER: Right.

THE COURT: You got that? Okay.

I need to have both of you raise your right hands then.

(Whereupon, the parties were sworn.)

THE COURT: Okay. Please speak up because we're recording. And Ms. Horme, you're the petitioner, so I need to inquire of you first. If you would state your full name and your address for the record.

THE PETITIONER: Kathleen Anne Horme. (address stated).

THE COURT: And you are the petitioner in this action?

THE PETITIONER: Yes.

THE COURT: You're currently married to Dan Horme?

THE PETITIONER: Yes.

THE COURT: Did that marriage take place on October 18th of 1986?

THE PETITIONER: Yes.

THE COURT: Did you separate on October 10th of 1994?

THE PETITIONER: Yes.

THE COURT: Were there any children born or adopted during your marriage?

THE PETITIONER: Yes.

THE COURT: And their names and birth dates, please.

THE PETITIONER: Skyler James Horme, ..., and Forrest Edwin Horme Jr., ...(actual birth dates omitted).

THE COURT: Any other children born or adopted?

THE PETITIONER: No.

THE COURT: Are you currently pregnant?

THE PETITIONER: No.

THE COURT: Is your marriage irretrievably broken?

THE PETITIONER: Apparently so.

THE COURT: Is there any possibility of reconciliation?

THE PETITIONER: No, apparently not.

THE COURT: You filed this petition on...`1 (actual date omitted). Prior to that date, had you been a resident and domiciliary of the State of (...) for at least 90 days?

THE PETITIONER: Yes.

THE COURT: If you'll come forward, I'm going to show you what the Court has marked as petitioner's Exhibit A. And I'm going to ask, do you recognize that document?

THE PETITIONER: Yes.

THE COURT: Is that the agreement that you've entered into?

THE PETITIONER: Yes.

THE COURT: You're going to need to make two initials.

THE PETITIONER: Okay.

THE COURT: Directing your attention to the last page, or the next to the last page, is that your signature?

THE PETITIONER: Yes.

THE COURT: Did you sign it voluntarily?

THE PETITIONER: Yes.

THE COURT: And we have just, on the record, made some changes on Page 9, I believe, with regard to child support. Would you review those changes, and if you're in agreement with those changes, initial them for me, please. Here's a pen for you.

Okay. Thank you. Go ahead and be seated. And I need to ask you some questions, first of all, about the agreement. You have agreed that the two of you will share joint custody of your children; is that correct?

THE PETITIONER: Yes.

THE COURT: Do you feel that the two of you can work together and make joint decisions in their best interests?

THE PETITIONER: Yes.

THE COURT: And, basically, the children are spending 50 percent of their time with you and 50 percent with your husband?

THE PETITIONER: That's correct.

THE COURT: And that's on a weekly basis, they're going back and forth each week?

THE PETITIONER: Right.

THE COURT: How are they adjusting to that at this time?

THE PETITIONER: Well, I think they're adjusting pretty well. My husband and I do have a slight disagreement right now, that he wants them to come back and forth a little more frequently. We started out that way, and I thought that –– I thought that the transition times are the hardest times for them.

THE COURT: Uh–huh. Uh–huh.

THE PETITIONER: And so we went to a week–to–week schedule, and I, personally, have found that much better, but we do have a disagreement on that but ––

THE COURT: Have you agreed then to consult with therapists or professionals in that area?

THE PETITIONER: Yes. We have that in our agreement, that we will either mutually agree or have a therapist's recommendation for any changes.

THE COURT: Okay. So do you feel that the two of you can work together to meet with that therapist and make whatever changes are necessary in the children's best interest?

THE PETITIONER: I think so.

THE COURT: Okay. Do you feel these provisions regarding custody, parenting time and support are in the children's best interests?

THE PETITIONER: Yes.

THE COURT: The agreement goes on to divide your property, and it divides your debt. Is that fair to both of you?

THE PETITIONER: Yes.

THE COURT: And your husband will be paying you maintenance for a period of two years, correct?

THE PETITIONER: Correct.

THE COURT: And after that time, you understand that you have waived maintenance and that this is contractual, it cannot be changed by the court?

THE PETITIONER: Right.

THE COURT: After that time period, do you feel that you'll be able to adequately support yourself?

THE PETITIONER: I hope so.

THE COURT: Okay. Taking the agreement as a whole, do you feel that it is fair, just and not unconscionable to both of you?

THE PETITIONER: I do.

THE COURT: And are you asking that the Court enter a decree of legal separation today?

THE PETITIONER: Yes.

THE COURT: Do you understand that either one of you may, six months after today's date, move the Court for entry of a decree of dissolution of the marriage and, upon proof of notice to the other party, that will be granted?

THE PETITIONER: I do understand that.

THE COURT: Okay. And you're not asking for a name change at this time?

THE PETITIONER: No.

THE COURT: Okay. Thank you very much.

Mr. Horme, if you would state your full name and your address as well.

THE RESPONDENT: It's Dan David Horme. And I reside at (address).

THE COURT: And you are the respondent in this action?

THE RESPONDENT: Yes.

THE COURT: You've heard your wife's testimony this morning regarding the statistical information of the marriage. Is there anything that you would testify to differently?

THE RESPONDENT: No.

THE COURT: If you would come forward, I'm going to show you petitioner's Exhibit A, and ask, do you recognize that document?

THE RESPONDENT: Yes.

THE COURT: Is that the agreement that you entered into?

THE RESPONDENT: Sure is.

THE COURT: Directing your attention to the last page; is that your signature?

THE RESPONDENT: Yes, it is.

THE COURT: Did you sign it voluntarily?

THE RESPONDENT: Absolutely.

THE COURT: Changes have been made this morning on Page 9, with regard to child support, would you review those changes and, if they are acceptable to you, would you initial them. Thank you. Go ahead and be seated. I need to ask you some of the same questions.

First of all, with regard to custody of the children, do you feel that the two of you can work together and make the joint decisions?

THE RESPONDENT: Absolutely.

THE COURT: And with regard to the issue that has just been raised regarding exchanging the children more often than once a week, do you feel that the two of you can meet with professionals and determine together what's in the children's best interest?

THE RESPONDENT: I think so, yes.

THE COURT: Okay. Taking the division of property and debt; is that fair to both of you?

THE RESPONDENT: Yes.

THE COURT: And you have waived your right to maintenance, or what we used to call alimony?

THE RESPONDENT: Right.

THE COURT: Do you understand that that's permanent, that you --

THE RESPONDENT: Absolutely

THE COURT: -- can never come back and ask for maintenance?

THE RESPONDENT: Right.

THE COURT: And with regard to the child support, you have agreed to pay $300 per month for at least two years, and you understand that that is above the current child support guideline amount?

THE RESPONDENT: Yes, Your Honor.

THE COURT: Are you doing that voluntarily?

THE RESPONDENT: Yes.

THE COURT: And do you feel that the provision –– that the extra money is needed at the present time for your children's best interests?

THE RESPONDENT: Yes.

THE COURT: Okay. Taking the agreement as a whole, do you feel that it is fair, just and not unconscionable to both of you and to your children?

THE RESPONDENT: Yes, I think it is.

THE COURT: And are you asking that the Court enter the decree of legal separation?

THE RESPONDENT: Yes.

THE COURT: And do you also understand that either one of you, six months from today's date, can seek a decree of dissolution of the marriage and that that would be granted upon proof of notice to the other party?

THE RESPONDENT: Yes.

THE COURT: Thank you. The Court, at this time, having heard the testimony, will make the following findings and order.

First of all, I do find that I have jurisdiction over the parties and the subject matter. The petition was filed on (date); there was service upon the respondent on (date), of 1994; the petitioner was a resident and domiciliary of the State of (...) for at least 90 days prior to the filing of the petition, and at least 90 days have elapsed since service upon the respondent.

THE PETITIONER: May I ask one question?

THE COURT: Uh–huh.

THE PETITIONER: On our last page –– I just wondered if this is phrased legally. This was sort of thrown in at the last minute and so we maybe hadn't thought through it as completely as we should. But that basically is Dan’s stipulation that if I end up getting awarded over $1,500 a month in social security payments upon his death, that he won't pay any child support or maintenance from his estate. That’s legal, right? Because if Dan should die, any support payments to me will immediately stop--his estate would have no obligation to pay me what is in this agreement for the next two years?

THE COURT: Right. That's correct.... And, hopefully, that provision will never take effect. But yeah, I think it would be okay.... The only problem is, if social security has some other kind of guidelines that I am unaware of... but you would need to deal with social security on that.

THE PETITIONER: Uh–huh.

THE COURT: Okay. The Court finds that the parties were married on (date), and separated on (date) of 1994. Two children were born as a result of the marriage. Skyler, born ...(date omitted), and Forrest, born ....(date omitted) No other children were born or adopted during the marriage, and the wife is presently not pregnant.

The Court does find the marriage to be irretrievably broken with no possibility of reconciliation. The Court finds the separation agreement, petitioner's Exhibit A, to have been signed voluntarily by both parties. When taken as a whole, to be fair, just and not unconscionable to both parties and to the minor children.

The Court finds both parties to be fit and proper persons to share joint custody of the children. And the Court finds the provisions regarding custody, parenting time and support to be in the best interests of the children. The Court finds that the child support amount agreed to is above the guidelines, However, the Court finds that the respondent is paying that voluntarily. And the Court finds, based upon his testimony, that it is in the best interest of the children that the Court enter that amount as an order of the Court, deviating from the guidelines.

The Court finds the division of property and debt to be fair and just. The Court finds the provisions regarding maintenance to be fair. The Court, at this time, will enter the decree of legal separation. The Court has advised either party that either one may, six months from this date, apply for the entry of decree of dissolution, which will be granted upon proof of notice to the other party. The Court will incorporate the separation agreement, making it an order of Court. And the Court will grant custody of the minor children to both parties jointly. Is there anything further for the record today?

....

THE RESPONDENT: No, Your Honor. Thank you.

THE COURT: Thank you.

(End of proceedings.)

When it is all over and you are feeling empty and deflated, there will come an urge to buy something big and expensive. My good friend bought a big house that created a heavy financial burden. Others go out and buy expensive jewelry or makeup. While it is good therapy to indulge yourself a little, I’ll tell you that when the big urge comes, resist it, for the sake of your kids and you own financial peace of mind. When I felt like buying a gold necklace, instead I bought gold fishes for my boys. We had lots and lots of goldfish. I indulged myself with not just one, but two kittens. We were rich then,really rich and the boys and I had new things to treasure together.

Two years later, I was well on my feet financially, and we made a stipulation to modify child support:

We the undersigned, Dan and Kathleen Chiras agree to the following:

1) Kathleen will pay 4 months of health insurance premiums for both boys beginning June 1, 1997 and thereafter all health insurance premiums for both boys will be split evenly. The boys will be covered starting June 1 under Kathleen’s HMO policy, PruCare. This carrier will remain in effect unless both Dan & Kathleen agree on another carrier. The cost for each party will be $52.11/mo for 1997 and any future increases will also be split evenly. Dan will make out a check for this amount to “PruCare” and make sure the check is to Kathleen for inclusion in the payment envelope by the 1st of each month.

2) Kathleen and Dan will split evenly all other medical costs beginning May 1, 1997 including but not limited to

deductibles or copays

general and emergency medical care not covered by the HMO and short term policy

routine and emergency vision care

routine and emergency dental care

The procedure for this will be for Dan to generally be responsible for Skyler’s bills, and Kathleen to generally be responsible for Forrest’s bills, (although exceptions can be made if a nonprimary-care child would require medical care while under the care of the other parent), with each parent equally responsible for the total cost of both boys divided by two. The purpose of this system is to ensure that each child’s medical needs are adequately served, while equalizing the cost between the two parents. A ledger will be kept by both parents and either party may request that the ledgers be equalized at any time, but not more frequently than monthly. Unless unusual expenses occur, this equalization process will occur no later than December 1, 1997, and every 4 months thereafter unless another date is mutually agreed upon. Each agrees to pay the other the amount necessary to equalize the ledgers.

3. Other costs of a routine nature such as food and clothing shall be covered by each parent, with Dan having primary responsibility for Skyler, and Kathleen having primary responsibility for Forrest. No ledgers need to be kept, but each party agrees to discuss unforeseen large expenditures with the other (such as a Europe trip, car, or other non-medical expenditure), and if this expenditure is mutually agreed to be necessary for the welfare of the child, to equally split the cost.

4. Kathleen agrees to cover all before and after school and summer child care costs and recreation classes for both boys as covered by the recreation district and occasionally provide extra clothing costs for Skyler. We pay all other miscellaneous costs for our “designated” boy.

5. This agreement covers May 1, 1997 to April 30, 1998. Please see enclosed Worksheet B for current estimate of status, which includes the stipulation that Kathleen and Dan waive any child support for the other for this year and future years unless this agreement is modified per the conditions outlined herein.

Both Kathleen and Dan agree that child support shall not be requested of the other in future years unless one feels lack of such support would compromise the welfare of one or both boys. FUTURE requests for child support shall be based on gross salaries as stipulated by Colorado law and the Worksheet B, and all pertinent financial information (past, present, and projected future) will be supplied to an arbitrator. The arbitrator’s decision shall be final unless both Dan and Kathleen agree it should not be final.

If both parties cannot agree on an arbitrator, we agree to have the option to retain attorneys. Dan and Kathleen each agree to include here a check for $10 to cover court costs for this Stipulation made out to “Jefferson County Combined Courts”.

Both parties agree to notify the other of a request for child support between March 1-15 in any given year, and to complete negotiations before May 1 of that year.

______________________ __________________________

Kathleen A. Chiras Daniel D. Chiras

notary: notary

__________________________________

Signature of Judge

Chapter 7: Perspectives on the Divorce from the boys, Linda and Louis

Below are the current perspectives of my sons, and the two new people Dan and I added into our lives: Louis and Linda. They share what they feel were the most important things we did right with regards to the choices Dan and I made. Linda had the additional challenge of bringing her two children into this “extended family”. Here is what they say:

Forrest, who is now 14 years old:

“I hate having to go back & forth between houses, but it’s worth it to me to be able to see both Mom & Dad all the time”

“I really like it that you & dad don’t hate each other”

“I like getting twice as many Christmas presents”

“I like it that you & dad’s houses are not far apart from each other”

“I like having other --well, I guess you’d call them “guardians” like Louis & Linda in my life.”

Louis, my partner says....

“The best thing Kathleen did with regards to the divorce and the boys? That’s easy--She picked me to be with! Ha!, and I really love her and those boys”.

“It’s good that she spilt physical custody with Dan 50-50. Not only did that give the kids equal time with both parents, but it also gave me a change to get to know Kathleen without her having to always be in the role of “mom”.

“I think it was great that Dan & Kathleen thought about a college education account when the boys were just babies, and kept that intact through the divorce. The money has grown now so college shouldn’t be such a big financial burden.”

“It seems to have worked out well that they share the big costs, like doctor & dental costs and summer camps equally. They don’t get petty about tracking the little costs.”

“I think it is good that they decided to share Christmas day equally. Before it was morning for one, and afternoon for the other, but now sometimes they even have part of Christmas day together.”

“ I think it was important that Kathleen negotiated to keep the family house--the boys love it here and it also provided a familiar place to connect their past with their future.”

“I think the fact that I make a special effort to get along with Dan and that he accepts me in their lives. That has been good for the boys”.

“I see that they have had a unified voice on basic values for raising the boys and united together when there was a crisis. For the big occasions, Dan and Linda, Kathleen & I are all there pulling together for the kids.”

“I think it is great that Dan & Kathleen chose to have their houses in close proximity, so transit time is minimized. Of course it helps that the both chose careers where they could work from home. The kids get to take different busses to the same school, & keep their sets of friends in tact.”

Linda, Dan’s new partner
Linda had a young boy and baby girl when Dan and I separated and they subsequently got together. She got divorced when she fell in love with Dan. Here are her perspectives on what she saw worked for us, and in her own divorce with regards to the children:

“I think being respectful of the ex in front of the kids was very important. Just always remembering to put the kids first and not deal with emotional or financial conflicts in front of them”

“The exes being willing to both go to the kids events, & actually even sitting together after a while. I could tell the kids really appreciated that”

“Even though it was difficult at first, it was good that my ex and I continued to talk and plan things together for the kids.”

“I believe Dan’s two boys and my two children feel like they have one big family. My kids think of Dan’s as their half brothers. When they were younger we took a lot of fun trips together and I think that helped the kids learn to accept and get along with each other.”

“I think we all realize that each parent has special interests that we can support even though that is not our interest. That shows that we support the relationship with that person in what ever way is important to them.”

Skyler, now 17 says,

“It was really good for us that our parents decided to live close. That way we get to be with both of them.”

“I’m glad they were really good about not saying mean things about the other parent”.

“I like the way they both talk together about things that are important to me.”

“I never felt blamed for the divorce like some kids I know”.

“I think we’ve got a pretty unique situation here mom. It’s great you are writing that book, ‘cause not a lot of people know how to do this divorce stuff very well.

Contact us for more info